Sporadic Humour

To pun or not to pun...

Some of these may rate as head-bangers, but thanks to Brent for the grin.



1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a bottle of mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

 

Intellectual street sign?

slow day on the humour front...?

Wal-Mart Wine

we can thank Brent for this corker... 



Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item, Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.[Mark Borchert] The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

  

 Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas .

  

"But the right name is important."

  

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.

  

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:



10. Chateau Traileur Parc

 

9. White Trashfindel



8. Big Red Gulp



7. World Championship Riesling



6. NASCARbernet



5. Chef Boyardeaux



4. Peanut Noir



3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar



2. Grape Expectations



1. Nasti Spumante



The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

  

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

Christmas shopping for the person who has everything

For the person who has everything





BANANA GUARD - Protect Your Banana! 

Are you fed up with bringing bananas to work or school only to find them bruised and squashed? Banana Guard allows you to safely transport and store individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect bananas any time, anywhere.





 



 

LOCK-CUP

Lock Cup - Anti-Theft Coffee Cup. Are you tired of others stealing your coffee cup? Well now there's a solution. The Lock - Cup has a hole which prevents most people from using it. Only the owner of the cup can use his/hers shaped key to close the hole.





TRANSPARENT TOASTER

You love toast, but you always burn it? Than, this invention Is for you This transparent toaster allows you to see the bread while it is toasting so you just have to take it out when the color is right. This idea is based on a transparent heating glass technology.







BUTTER CUTTER

One Click Cutter Butter controls your portion as an important part of staying healthy. This ingenious butter cutter delivers one standard pat with each click of the handle.





DAY CLOCK

What day is today? You don't know? Then you need a Day Clock. It's uniquely designed to keep track of weekly events like your golf day, card night, movie night, and so much more. It's ideal for vacations and cruises when it's easy to lose track of the day.





LASER SCISSORS

Laser Scissors Cutting a straight line has never been easier. Just aim the pin-point laser and follow the line. The scissor blades are stainless steel and cut very clean with a micro edge.





TOILET SEAT LIFTER

'Who left the Toilet Seat up?' The Peace Maker will end the battle of the toilet seat. Merely step on the pedal to activate the lifting mechanism. When finished, remove your foot from the pedal and the seat gently comes to a rest where it started.





ILLUMINATING CAR SLIPPERS 

Do you get up at night to drink water, go to the toilet... Do you wish you could see in the dark? Remarkably bright LED lights are triggered by your footsteps and light up the floor 30 feet in front of you; ultra-soft plush style are extra comfortable and cozy warm.. (Now I would clarify this as a necessity!)





'THE THING' - INFANT PILLOW 

The Zany is an ergonomic infant pillow designed by a mum to mimic the size, weight, touch, and feel of her hand and forearm to help her baby with comfort, support, protection, and development.. The Zaky can help calm your baby and help your baby sleep better through the night.





TRAVELER'S PHRASE BOOK T-SHIRT 

If you are traveling a lot and don't always know the language of the country you are visiting, then this T-shirt is for you. It has a phrase book printed on it so just point a finger at the pictogram you need and then point it twice at the question mark, which means, 'Where is it?' and in no time you have found what you were looking for... Or not. (Another possibility for the foreign language impaired)





WHEEL-MOVING BENCH 

Whether you want to sit on the sun or in the shade, near the river or under the tree... Now you have your movable bench, to sit wherever you like.





By the way.......I found a bug in the last E-mail you sent.................. 

Here - you can have it back.

 



 



 

The Deer Hunters

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two 

days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and 

tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't 

go, but what can they do?



Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting

there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the 

fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife 

into letting you go?" 



"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting 

in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes 

and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a 

brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our 

bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she 

had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, 

and I did. And then she said, "Now you can do whatever you want."

 

So, Here I am.

If you can't find the book If you can't find the book you want....

... you may be shopping at the ...

humour

The Irish Bagpiper

The Irish Bagpiper
 
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
 The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
 

 As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. 
 

I saw the back hole and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.  
 

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.  
 

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I played out my heart and soul.
 

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the  Forest . 
 

I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.  
 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before  and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

The Bell Ringers - a definite Head Banger :>

Brent has provided a painfully funny head banger of note:

> Quasimodo the noted bell ringer of Notre Dame dies and his younger > brother interviews for his bell ringing duties. Unfortunately he > has no arms so he rings the bell by hitting it with his head. In > the process of interviewing for the job, he becomes dazed and falls > off the tower to his death into the street below. Several > townspeople rush up to him and inquire who he is. Someone in the > back of the crowd says "I don't know him but his face rings a bell".
>
> Later, Quasimodo's other brother tries out and gets the bell ringing > job but, suffering from vertigo, also falls. Again the crowd rushes > up and inquires who this could be. Somone sticks his head into the > circle and says "I don't know his name but he is a dead ringer for > his brother"!!
>

The new All Blacks sponsors

humour

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously, you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex