Sporadic Humour

Sea'n through the eyes of kids.

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.  (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't  have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my  big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.  (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

The dangers of an open plan office

The insistent ringing of the phone is bad enough... the guy throwing things was obviously just too much!

 

Seven Tried and Trusted Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.
7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: Q20 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the Q20. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

submitted by Brent Coy

Who says men can't think fast?

submitted by Brent Coy.

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town.

After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired to continue. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750.

The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.

The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference centre, and they featured spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town, Durban perform here, " he explained.

No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!"

"Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager.

"But we didn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man.

The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay.

He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.

"But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!" "That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

"Well," the man replied, "She was here, and you could have."

What did the Buddhist monk say to the NY hot dog vendor?

 

"Make me one with everything"

PROOF THAT EVERY MAN NEEDS A WOMAN

FW: Get in the car

-----Original Message----- From: Sporadic Humour [mailto:dg@ct.stormnet.co.za]
Sent: 15 March 2007 07:50 AM To: Dave Gale Subject: Get in the car

-----Original Message----- From: Rory

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed," replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and R10?" Asked the driver.

"I said no way," replied the irritated youngster

"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY bucks eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" Answered the boy.

"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you R100 and a bag of lollies," the driver offered.

"NO!" Screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh...

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Tata, you live with it."

============================================= Sporadic Humour is not obligatory - if you lose your sense of humour and decide to end it all, we can help:

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FW: Growing old gracefully

-----Original Message----- From: Sporadic Humour [mailto:dg@ct.stormnet.co.za]
Sent: 14 March 2007 08:39 AM To: Dave Gale Subject: FW: Growing old gracefully

-----Original Message----- From: William

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too" The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN .... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN .... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN .... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today

"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN .... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND "OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes

============================================= Sporadic Humour is not obligatory - if you lose your sense of humour and decide to end it all, we can help:

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For those poor unfortunates that see the light:

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FW: Why did the chicken cross the road?

-----Original Message----- From: Sporadic Humour [mailto:dg@ct.stormnet.co.za]
Sent: 13 March 2007 06:00 PM To: Dave Gale Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

-----Original Message----- From: Rory Sent: 12 March 2007 01:02 PM

DR. PHIL The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems of roads.

OPRAH Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car and a driver ...so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here...Cheney told me to say that.

DONALD RUMSFELD Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

RUBIN In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and we waited 20 years for the radio to be invented and confirm it...that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra... #@&&^( C \..... reboot.

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE I invented the chicken! -

============================================= Sporadic Humour is not obligatory - if you lose your sense of humour and decide to end it all, we can help:

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FW: The rabbit

-----Original Message----- From: Sporadic Humour [mailto:dg@ct.stormnet.co.za]
Sent: 13 March 2007 05:56 PM To: Dave Gale Subject: The rabbit

-----Original Message----- From: Rory Sent: 13 March 2007 10:01 AM

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.

They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said, "Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest. "

The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat up the rabbit.

Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you."

The lion answered, "This little sod? He makes me run around the forest like a bloody idiot every time he's on ecstasy."

============================================= Sporadic Humour is not obligatory - if you lose your sense of humour and decide to end it all, we can help:

send a blank email to: leave-dac5-64292L@lists.storm.co.za

For those poor unfortunates that see the light:

they should send a blank email to: join-dac5@lists.stormnet.co.za