Sporadic Humour

political correctness...

The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most
appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political
Correctness.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical
liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,

which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a

turd by the clean end."

Manto's bodyguards

(sigh - I knew it would not be long before these came out)

I imagine you have heard that MANTO has been allocated 2 new BODYGUARDS

- Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.

SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

('scuse the uppercase - received this that way. Anyone know of a converter that changes copy in uppercase to lowercase? Dave)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,

"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A WOMAN!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW

DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I

REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN

MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I

HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY

DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO

HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD

ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY,

DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

A thief in Paris [cranial damage alert]

A THIEF in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, zat is ze reason I stole ze paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh.

I figure I had nothing Toulouse".

Another name change on the cards

The Government has decided on yet another name change.

Johannesburg General Hospital's name will be changed to "Manto's Pub & Grill" with immediate effect.

Bill vs GM

an old one, but the truth has not changed...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate ? their computer!

Rednecks

Bubba went to a psychiatrist "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears"

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" Asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Who says rednecks are stupid?

10 commandments of marraige

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 1000 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story.
A long - married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife
was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"Wow! This stuff really works!"