Sporadic Humour

1850

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Vacancy For Electrical Engineer

VACANCY FOR AN ELECTRICAL ENGINEER

* Immediate start, visa assistance and relocation will be provided.

* All equipment and safety gear supplied no overtime restrictions.

* Working hours: Basic 40hrs/wk, although overtime will be on an as required basis to fulfil duties.

* Essential requirement - excellent fault finding skills.

* Salary: negotiable.

Out in space

Out in space two alien lifeforms are speaking with each other.

The first says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so... They have them aimed at themselves."

_

Phone bill

This would make a classic Madam and Eve!

-----Original Message-----

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

The Lawyer vs. Irish Garda

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda (policeman).

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense...

Irish Garda says, "License and registration please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at that STOP sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and there was no one coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go without giving me a ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or should I just slow down?"

Pavarotti (it begins)

Pavarotti arrives at the Pearly Gates and rings the bell to be let in.

St Peter opens up and says, "Oh, it's you Luciano, come on in, squeeze through."

Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the Pope."

St Peter opens it up and reads it...

"HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU."

Bobenomics

The day is very hot and you are passing the Keg and Sable in Borrowdale, so naturally you go in for a nice cold beer. The barman informs you that One beer now costs 150 000 Zimbabwe dollars. You can pay with three crisp new $50 000 notes, still damp from the printing press. Or, if you are feeling a bit bloody-minded, and if you can still source the coins ( remember those things : they were still quite common a few years ago ) you can sit back and enjoy a beer while the barman counts out 15 000 000 Zimbabwe one cent coins. But hold it ! We have a problem.

Each Zim one cent coin weighs 3 grams. So this little lot weighs in at 45 000 000 grams or 45 000 kgs or 45 Tonnes. After humping 45 tonnes of coins into the pub you are going to need a helluva lot more than one beer to cool down. But don`t panic - we have a plan. Like all brilliant ideas this one relies entirely on its simplicity. Plan B : We sell the metal and drink the proceeds. There is a small legal question about smelting coin of the realm and exporting the resulting brass ingots. However we'll let the buyer worry about that one. There doesn't seem to be an international price for brass. Its main ingredient, copper, has recently been selling for an all-time high of US $ 5 200 a tonne on the London Metal Exchange, but we won't be greedy. For a quick sale let's discount it to US $ 2 600 a tonne We are now the proud owners of US $ 117 000 But we still can't buy that beer as the Keg is only allowed to accept Zimbabwe currency. We must resist the temptation to change our money on the lucrative but illegal black market ( only the Governor of the Reserve Bank and Cabinet Ministers are allowed to do that ). So we change at the prevailing interbank mid rate which is US $1 : Zim $99 201,58 Our heap of U S green-backs now miraculously becomes a mountain of Zim $11 606 584 860. For the uninitiated the billions start at the tenth figure, counting from the right. So if the price of beer has not increased while we were doing this calculation you can now walk back into the Keg and order 77 377 beers !

HAPPY DRINKING

P S For current inflationary reasons it is advisable to review these figures on a daily basis.
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State of Health

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said "Yes!"

And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".

And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and simple carbohydrates.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the R5,00 double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".

And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service headed by Mantho Tshabalala Mnsimang

We have a huge council house in our street

-----Original Message----- From: Jonathan Gale

A beauty

> >We have a huge council house in our street:

> >The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce > >dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number > >plate, but the police still do nothing. > > > >Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist > >comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and > >his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. > > > >All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone > >once thought was gay. > > > >Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in > >nightclubs. > > > >The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of > >control... > > > >Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?