Sporadic Humour

The Metro Police

"The metro police pulled me off at Rivonia Road on the N1 last night, while I was on my way home, because my car's right hand side headlamp wasn't working. I got away with it when I told them it was load-shedding and would come back on at 22h30."

God and the Scientist

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Nando's on Eskom

pic24596

Normalised Data Model of RSA Political Landscape

New basic conditions of employment

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

o If we see you wearing Gold chain, Nike sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

o If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

o If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL LEAVE DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

o Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

o Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

o Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

o We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.

o If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

o At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, in the toilet

o Paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. Please NO SMILING!!!

o After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin category.

Have a nice week.

Management

Eskom Again

A Short history of South Africa

First the whites had the power.

Then the blacks got the power.

Now, no-one has power.

FW: REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had
been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically

stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told

ME last year... Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!
Helllooooo"? "It's been a year"! I told him.....

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

The History of the Middle Finger

I learned this from my 12yo son whose knowledge of military history far eclipses mine.

_____

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

FW: NEW WORDS FOR 2008

amazing how someone somewhere can take a 1998 joke, change the date and pass it off as a 2008 joke! ;)

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!


1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are a nnoying but

you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404

Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube
Farm.