Sporadic Humour

Email thread HOWTO.

This was posted to IOZ today after a relatively innocuous mail to the list this week had evoked some heated exchanges and spawned at least 3 other threads. Very insightful!

Begin forwarded message: >
> > This is a howto, to keep a thread going for ever, thought > Id type this up before heading off for an ale, it is friday. > Ps. If this thread is still going next week, I rest my case. >
> Subject: The injustices found anywhere. >
> To make sure any thread prevails, follow these > easy to grasp principles. >
> Required:... > 1.) At least four sensible replies, otherwise the thread > has no merit, if you not sensible, and can't > shutup, continue below. > 2.) A few trolls, there are no known ways of > detecting and destroying, so like monkeys, > if you don't feed them, they go away. > 3.) A poignant attack on the posters character, > thereby ensuring an anastigmatic reply. > 4.) The anastigmatic arouses bystanders to support > the anastigmatic reply. > 5.) This then arouses reactions from the associates > who are apposed to trivial posting, however > feel compelled to chastise the frivolity of the > thread. > 6.) One of the sensible replies asks the group to > get back to the original subject. > 7.) The supposed issue spins of commentary of the > real issue. > 8.) The alpha males need to comment on the above > to keep up appearances, thereby annoying those > actually interested in the subject. > 9.) The alpha males discover they not alone, then > need to subsequently subdue them, on the > only available platform, the thread. > 10.) The character assassin replies with a post > so laden with acronyms everyone needs to > Google for at least ten minutes before sending > off a reply. > 10.) The replies are so long winded, the replies further > extend that into a marathon. > 11.) 4pm Friday arrives, everyone looses interest, and > joins colleges for an ale. > 12.) Trolls then move onto greener pasture, alpha males > get back to roaming, the rest wonder how to make > a living off this crazy industry. >
> > Tadaaaa....

Brains of Britain

> Brains of Britain - they walk among us! >
> >
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) > Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
> 'cheesemongers'? > Contestant: Homosexuals. > Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be
> very upset with you >
> >
> > BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) > Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? > Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. > Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. > Contestant: > Leicester >
> >
> > BBC NORFOLK > Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? > Contestant: I don't know. > Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part
> between your hand and your elbow? > Contestant: Arm > Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...? > Contestant: Strong. > Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? > Contestant: Louis > Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit
> with the song What A Wonderful World? > Contestant: Frank Sinatra? >
> >
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) > Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? > Contestant: France. > Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. > Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. > Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which
> country is the Parthenon? > Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. > Trelinski: Just guess a country then. > Contestant: Paris. >
> >
> > THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) > Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
> written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the
> Conservative Party? > Contestant: The Conservative Party. >
> >
> BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) > DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? > Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? >
> >
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE > Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? > Contestant: Goosey? >
> >
> GWR FM ( Bristol ) > Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ? > Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. >
> >
> > PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO???MANCHESTER) > Phil: What's 11 squared? > Contestant: I don't know. > Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. > Contestant: Is it five? >
> >
> >
> RICHARD AND JUDY > Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? > Contestant: Forrest Gump. >
> >
> RICHARD AND JUDY > Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? > Contestant: Er. .. .. > Richard: He makes bread . . . > Contestant: Er . .... > Richard: He makes cakes . . . > Contestant: Kipling Street? >
> >
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN > Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? > Contestant: Barcelona. > Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. > Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in
> Spain . >
> >
> > NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) > Question: What is the world's largest continent? > Contestant: The Pacific. >
> >
> > ROCK FM ( PRESTON ) > Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of
> a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. > Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? >
> >
> > THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) > Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in
> 1918? > Contestant: Magna Carta? >
> >
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) > James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? > Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER.
> ER ... Three? >
> >
> >
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) > Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna? > Caller: Japan. > Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you
> didn't hear that, I can let you try again. > Caller: Er ..... Mexico ? >
> >
> > PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) > Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel
> last? > Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. >
> >
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) > Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? > Contestant: Holland? > Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. > Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ? > Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? > Contestant: No. >
> >
> > PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) > Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? > Contestant: Er. ... .. > Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . > Contestant: Blimey? > Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .. > Contestant: (Silence) > Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . > Contestant: Walked? >
> >
> THE VAULT > Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
> sufferer can fall asleep at any time? > Contestant: Nostalgia. >
> >
> > LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) > Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? > Contestant: Jewish. > Presenter: That's close enough. >
> >
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) > Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
> character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? > Contestant: Jesus. >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>

The Australian letter of the year

> This takes some time but it's worth reading. This is reportedly an
> actual letter sent to the DFAT Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and
> the Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. >
> The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but got
> nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves
> laughing! >
> > Please excuse the language contained within, but I suspect the
> author was somewhat upset? I'll let you decide! >
> Another (un)happy customer of the Federal government. A fabulous
> characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and
> outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected wanker
> who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying
> to communicate. Below is one such wonderful communication... >
> >
> Dear Mr. Minister, >
> I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
> this. >
> How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows
> that I bought a TV Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997 and yet
> the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on
> what date!? >
> For ***** sakes, do you guys do this by hand? >
> > My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it's on all
> the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It's on my
> driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all
> those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before
> being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
> insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since
> 1966. >
> >
> Also, would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
> mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be
> absolutely ****ing astounded if that ever changed between now and
> when I drop dead!!!... >
> *****! >
> I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning.
> Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send
> the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****ing
> address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a
> gang of mindless Neanderthal assholes workin' there!? >
> And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
> Laden? I can't even grow a beard for ****'s sake. I just want to go
> to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred
> with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you
> give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
> If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse,
> believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! >
> > Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
> city, and get another ***ing copy of my birth certificate, and to
> part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN
> INFORMATION! >
> Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
> spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
> Nooooo...that'd be too ****ing easy and makes far too much sense.
> You Would much prefer to have us running all over the place like
> chickens with our ****ing heads cut off, and then having to find
> some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the
> goddamn photo! You know the photo...the one where we're not allowed
> to smile!? >
> You ****ing morons. >
> Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen. >
> >
> P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting
> someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has
> been in this country since before 1850! >
> In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You
> do remember the Eureka Stockade!?) >
> I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over
> 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have High security
> clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL
> and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year. >
> However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important'
> to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN
> AND RAISED IN ****ING PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either
> assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from
> the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.' >
> You are all ****ing idiots. >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > No virus found in this incoming message. > Checked by AVG - www.avg.com > Version: 8.0.233 / Virus Database: 270.10.16/1929 - Release Date:
> 02/01/09 18:02:00 >