Sporadic Humour

Truths

> GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: > 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. > 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. > 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
> the second person. > 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. > 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. > 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. > 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. > 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. > 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. >
> > GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: > 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. > 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. > 3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts. > 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. > 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. > 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
> toy. >
> >
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD > 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. > 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. > 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
> down there. > 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
> chair that you once got from a roller coaster. >
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody
> bothers to ask you the questions. > 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. > 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. >
> >
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: > 1) You believe in Santa Claus. > 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. > 3) You are Santa Claus. > 4) You look like Santa Claus. >
> > SUCCESS: > At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. > At age 12 success is . . . having friends. > At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. > At age 35 success is . . having money. > At age 50 success is . . having money. > At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license. > At age 75 success is . . having friends. > At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants. >
> >

Fwd: Why parents drink

OK. I know I've had a sense of humour loss of late. Time to remedy that and pass on some gems from Brent Coy - thanks Brent! Dave

> Why Parents Drink >
> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
> bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
> Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
> 'Dad.' >
> With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling
> hands and read the letter. >
> Dear Dad: >
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
> elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
> Mom and you. >
> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. >
> But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
> tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
> older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. >
> Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
> woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
> dream of having many more children. >
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
> hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with
> the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. >
> In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
> so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.. >
> Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. >
> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get
> to know your grandchildren. >
> Love, Your Son John >
> > PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. >
> I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
> a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. >
> I love you. >
> Call me when it's safe to come home. >

the return of the headbangers...

> >
> Friend >
> A man and his wife were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> they were in bed. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
> sex?" >
> "No," she answered. >
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" >
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." >
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." >
> And then the fight started.... >
> *************************************************************** >
> Librarians >
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The
> librarian says, " > Absolutely not, you won't bring it back." >
> **************************************************************** >
> That's how it works? >
> When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
> asked him to forgive me >
> ****************************************************************** >
> Alcoholic Sandwich >
> A sandwich walks into a bar. >
> The bartender says, "We don't serve food here." >
> ****************************************************************** >
> Atoms >
> Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one
> another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an
> electron!" "Are you sure?" says the second atom. "Yes, I'm positive!" >
> Just then, a chlorine atom walks up to them and says, "Yeah? I'm the
> one who took your electron. You gonna try to take it back?" "No, I
> don't want to be reduced to your level." >
> Two electrons walked into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a
> gin and tonic." The second one goes: "Damn! I wanted a gin and tonic!" >
> A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bar
> tender what his tab comes to and the bartender says, "For you,
> there's no charge." >
> > ************************************************************************ >
> Two ropes walk into a bar >
> Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says
> “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m
> sorry we dont serve ropes in here.” Frustrated the ropes walk out
> and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a
> little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he
> gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into
> the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.” The barkeep
> says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here
> earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.” >
> ************************************************************************ >
> The mechanic hooked on brake fluid >
> A mechanic goes into his doctor and says that he's addicted to
> drinking brake fluid. "On the other hand", he says "I can stop any
> time I want." >
> ************************************************************************ >