> > Chili Cook Off >
> If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better. >
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
> named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
> moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
> asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came
> in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
> chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
> have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." >
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event: >
> ***************************************************** >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. >
> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. >
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
> put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
> crazy. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. >
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously. >
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
> in more beer when they saw the look on my face. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> drunk from all of the beer. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... >
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. >
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods not much of a chili. >
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
> the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-
> LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... >
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive. >
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. >
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
> that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
> if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
> judges asked me to stop screaming. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... >
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> of spices and peppers. >
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb. >
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
> need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers. >
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
> of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing uncontrollably. >
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
> what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
> in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. >
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
> mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
> farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
> of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
> how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? >
> Judge # 3 - No Report >
