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To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

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To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously, you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

9 words women use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "up yours"!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

humour

District 9 sequels

This is allegedly the work of Josh Phillips, a Kiwi. I think he may have aspirations to eclipse LOTR, but I'm not so sure this is what the producers of D9 have in mind! ;)

===============

District 9 Mark 2 - Wickus's sexy wife leaves him and shacks up with a
baddy

He woos her back and she bonks the Bug (Wickus)

The Bugs return and turn him back to a human

The Bugs go home

His wife has a human baby but at the end you have a check into its eyes
- PURE BUG!!!

===============

District 9 Mark 3 - the baddies take over

Life is unbearable but a hero arises with Bug-like powers - Guess who?!!
Wickus's son!!!

He asks the Bugs to help but a rogue Bug intercepts the message and
comes back with the intention of taking over the world to strip it of
its resources to feed his fledgling empire

A battle commences and the rogue Bug flattens the Baddies. Then -
HORROR! - he starts taking over the world! Who would have thought it!!!
Up to the plate strides Little Wickus, beats up the rogue Bug and
restores peace.

However he is restless ... and we hear the Bugs have finally got his
message and are coming

===============

District 9 Mark 4 - Wickus's son welcome the Bugs who are rejected by
earth

He is desperate to stop them being annihilated

In the end he escapes with them back to their planet

On board the Bug spaceship he meets a sexy little Bugess (good thing
he's not a bugger)

They have a liaison much to the consternation of all the other Bugs

When they arrive back they discover their planet has been defeated by
Znorgz (part mechanical little dudes whose tactic is to eat
intergalactic baked beans, enter the Bug bloodstream and explode them
from within by farting)
Wickus's son (Little Wickus) proves to be the hero ( major battles
follow). Eventually he is attacked/entered by Znorgz but the remains of
SA boerewors in his digestive tract are so toxic they kill off the
attacking Znorgz. The Bugs bottle Little Wickus's farts and develop
lethal weaponry to eventually defeat the Znorgz.
By now Peter Jackson is a billionaire and retires to South Africa where
he puts on all the weight he lost by eating boerewors and pap to excess,
builds a mansion and a Theme Park called District 9.9 recurring

================

District 9 Mark 5 - is basically a movie about food starring Peter
Jackson himself as the Chief Gourmandiser. Wickus is now senile and
speaks only in Bug. Little Wickus and his Bug wife live next door with
the little Buggers they've produced. There is a cameo shot of Bugger
no.3 who plays prop for his school team causing devastation in the scrum
after secretly scoffing baked beans prior to the match.

Most of the movie is Peter Jackson in his kitchen making food which, it
turns out, is believed in espionage circles to be fuel for a secret
weapons system based on the old flatulence tactic. It is especially
popular in Middle Eastern countries where it breaks all box office
records and where movie patrons are seen hastily scribbling down
ingredients

Peter Jackson and Little Wickus set up a food expert company which
revolutionises the world economy as every country wants to stock the
fuel for their Foodtron weapons systems

When all believe Armageddon is about to break out, in fact peace breaks
out as it appears the food does not work as a weapon. Eater (his name
has changed) Jackson get the Nobel Peace prize. As he is making his
acceptance speech, the entire planet breaks out in 'Bronx cheers' - this
degree of synchronized flatulence has never been seen before

The movie ends with Little Wickus and his brood of buggers taking off in
a Bug spaceship and laughing hysterically to the final shot: earth
exploding in one mammoth fart

Woo hoo!!!