Sporadic Humour

dis 'n lekker taal ne?

seen on Twiiter today:

RT @stephenfry Go to Google Translator, translate "choose my side" into Afrikaans. Yes it really is pronounced exactly as you suspect.

box office hits

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual 
Information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. 

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew 
Take you safely to Afghanistan ' 

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' 

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 
'Yes,'! Said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think 
With only women up there in the cockpit.' 

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 

'It's The Box Office.'



Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. 
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. 
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. 
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. 
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'    
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, 
We simply continue to fly.....on a broomstick. 
We are flexible like that.

Newton

one for the geeks among you...

Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven.Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting.Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud.Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1mx1m square on the floor around him.Einstein finishes counting and turns around."Ah ha, Newton! I found you!""No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m2 . . . You found Pascal."

This may interest you*

Euphemistically speaking

http://www.economist.com/blogs/johnson/2011/05/euphemistically_speaking?fsrc=scn/fb/wl/bl/thismayinterestyou

A FRIEND of mine was recently told by his boss that his position at work was "unassailable": in British office-speak that is a severe warning which has sent him hastily looking for a new job. It reminded me of a guide I came across a few years ago, which aimed to help plain-speaking Dutch executives make sense of their English colleagues. Here's an updated and amplified version. Readers are welcome to add their own entries in the comments field, and to ponder the question of what (if anything) an ingrained cult of euphemistic understatement may say about the British (or should that be English?) national character.What the British say: "I hear what you say"
What the British mean: "I disagree and do not want to discuss it any further"
What is understood:"He accepts my point of view"

What the British say: "This is in no sense a rebuke"
What the British mean: "I am furious with you and letting you know it"
What is understood: "I am not cross with you"

What the British say: "With the greatest respect"
What the British mean: "I think you are wrong (or a fool)"
What is understood: "He is listening to me"

What the British say: "Correct me if I'm wrong"
What the British mean: "I know I'm right--please don't contradict me"
What is understood: "Tell me what you think"

What the British say: "That's not bad"
What the British mean: "That's good or very good"
What is understood: "That's poor or mediocre"

What the British say: "QUITE good" (with the stress on the "quite")
What the British mean: "A bit disappointing"
What is understood: "Quite good"

What the British say: "quite GOOD" (with the stress on the "good ")
What the British mean: "excellent"
What is understood: "Quite good"

What the British say: "Perhaps you would like to think about...."/"I would suggest..." /"It would be nice if..."
What the British mean: "This is an order. Do it or be prepared to justify yourself..."
What is understood: "Think about the idea, but do what you like"

What the British say: "Do as much as you think is justifed"
What the British mean: "Do it all"
What is understood: "Do what you can"

What the British say: "Oh, by the way/Incidentally ..."
What the British mean: "The primary purpose of our discussion is..."
What is understood: "This is not very important ..."

What the British say: "I was a bit disappointed that/It is a pity you..."
What the British mean: "I am most upset and cross"
What is understood: "It doesn't really matter"

What the British say: "Very interesting"
What the British mean: "I don't agree/I don't believe you"
What is understood: "They are impressed"

What the British say: "Could we consider some other options"
What the British mean: "I don't like your idea"
What is understood: "They have not yet decided"

What the British say: "I'll bear it in mind "
What the British mean: "I will do nothing about it"
What is understood: "They will probably do it"

What the British say: "Please think about that some more"
What the British mean: "It's a bad idea: don't do it"
What is understood: "It's a good idea, keep developing it"

What the British say: "I'm sure it's my fault"
What the British mean: "I know it is your fault, please apologise"
What is understood: "It was somebody else's fault"

What the British say: "That is an original point of view"
What the British mean: "You must be mad, or very silly"
What is understood: "They like my ideas!"

What the British say: “I’m sure you'll get there eventually”
What the British mean: “You don't stand a chance in hell”
What is understood: “Keep on trying; they agree I'm on the right track”*Read this now and don't forget it

The basic formula for understanding women.

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.

Dear Mrs. Caldwell,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Caldwell, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile,then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

AIRCRAFT AT AIRSHOW CRASHES INTO 4 BUILDINGS

http://d4v3g.posterous.com/aircraft-at-airshow-crashes-into-4-buildings

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Jonathan Gale"

Egyptian Riot Helmets...

> So just to outline here - these are makeshift helmets made by the Egyptians whilst scrapping in their current predicament. I shall guide you through these pieces of registered army kit thus:
>
>
> Your classic 1979 'Tribottle rag' helmet - a must in any type of combat
>

> A late 80's 'boxhat'. The bloke next to him doesn't appear too sure of its effectiveness
>
>
> A renaissance period piece of brickwear teamed with a black and cream scarf. It's got that suave sophisticated, 'Man about Cairo ' look.
>
>
> I'm not sure that the tuna sarnie he is about to lob is gonna cause to much destruction. Old school 80's broken bin helmet. I personally love the fact he needs to lift it up to see - does he spend the rest of the time walking in to things?
>
>
> Textbook saucepaning with lifejacket combo.



>  
>
> I literally have no idea what this is.
>
>

>
> And the winner by 100 miles. This bloke is going to war with 2 baguettes strapped to his ears and a ham salad roll sellotaped to his forehead. I'd definitely want to be behind him if someone lobs a load of bricks at me.
>

A man walks into a bar...

... with a steering wheel between his legs.
The barman says, "You've got a steering wheel between your legs!" 
The man replies, "I know, it's driving me nuts!"

How's Norma?

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Shane Byren"

 

HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"The operator said,"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,"Norma Findlay, Room 302."The operator replied,"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Doctor Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.No one tells me sh*t." (TRUE STORY)